I am officially a published food critic, and I’m loving it.
OUTTAKE: this photo of my fry combo didn’t make the cut. In contrast, it was the highlight of the “meal.”
Granted, now whenever you eat with me, it takes five times as long because I have to photograph everything from seventeen angles (turns out I’m as obsessive about the photos as I am with all my artistic pursuits) and I insist on photographing and tasting your food too. Hell, if strangers would let me, I’d move in on theirs.
I also (now: my vacuum cleaner days are over) taste everything slowly and write down my extended thoughts. Word from the now wise to anyone thinking you’ll remember the details later: you won’t.
Other annoyances of dining with me in my new role?
- Unless I’ve already reviewed it, every dining experience – and that means food cart to pizza to fancy dinner – is work, meaning DO NOT TOUCH IT UNTIL I HAVE A PRETTY PICTURE! **I reserve the right to totally freak out if you break that rule.**
- Total overkill is the new black. I just went to a buffet and plated everything like a food stylist. The pictures – if I do say so myself – look totally amazing, so it was completely worth it, but I have to imagine this would grow tedious for a dining companion. Certainly the waitress was wondering what the hell I was up to. The one benefit of Maui is that people assume you’re a tourist with trigger finger: some people photograph every second of their vacation
- This ain’t no fooling around. Be prepared to be interrogated for words clearly and vividly describing the food in your mouth. “It tastes like a burger” is going to you nothing but grumbling from me. In other words, chew slowly and think hard: your answers better be good.
“Velvety?”
“Yes. Velvety.”
OUTTAKE II Perhaps I’m wrong, but I think this is some pretty fine food photography for a rookie.
“So if I told you I just ate some velvety onions, would you have any idea what they actually tasted like?”
“Um….”
“Would you think they tasted like red velvet cake?”
<<<nervous coughing ensues from the witness and questioning ceases>>>
Yep. I probably won’t have any friends left by the time this is over.
To keep the budget down (there are two ways to look at this gig: I’m paid to eat a couple dishes at a restaurant and I write for free, or I’m spending money to eat and getting paid to write about it. Not ideal, but still better than not getting paid at all.) Anyway, like I was saying, to keep cost under control, I’ve also signed myself up to test recipes and give feedback/guidance. Until requests start coming in from readers – I’ve put out a plea for them to ask for recipes from local restaurants which the chefs will hopefully be willing to give up – I’m going to start with cookbooks written by local (or at least those with a restaurant on the island) chefs and do my worst (which actually, of course, means very best: see the bit above about obsessive tendencies) with them at home.
***sudden thought: do I need to get permission to post a recipe published in a cookbook? I would think so, right? They’re all over the blogs…but this is actually a media publication, so now I don’t know. Is it enough to cite the source (the cookbook details) or do I have to ask first? If anyone knows, please chime in.***
OUTTAKE III This is an Ocean Breeze: ocean vodka, st. germain, lime, and simple syrup. It also had egg whites in it, but for some reason that isn’t listed. (???) I didn’t end up talking about this in the review, so here ya go.
In preparation, I’ve bought some cool shaped white china at Ross and I’m even considering an EGO light, although cost is an obstacle (it’s $107 on Amazon). Practical application could pose an issue, as well: likely bringing a lamp into a restaurant and asking to sit by a plug so I can set it up ***might*** give me away. For now, while I can, (and trust me…considering the existence of this blog and the 2.2 billion photos of me on it…”while I can” means maybe a couple months) I am doing my reviewing incognito. I suppose I could go all Ruth Reichl and wear disguises (finally! A reason for my candy apple red wig to hit the town!), but we’ll see how it all plays out organically first.
Anyway, that’s all that’s fit to report from me. Depending on how long it takes me to get through some actual money generating work this week, I will be starting a new book (novel) on or as close as I can get to August 1st. Again, keeping a roof over my head has to take precedence (stupid roof), but once that’s done, I’m raring to go.
